You Can't Say That! Cussing. Lots of It.

I cuss like a sailor. No, really, the word “motherfucker” exits my mouth more often than it does with most men, usually not within earshot of the kids.

Sometimes, though, those “Sweet Jeebus, what the hell did I just say?” moments don’t pass by unnoticed.

Example: the day my son said “fuck”, in response to the adults in the room not being ready to go on time, was a game-changer. (For the record, he is not adapting to the idea of being casually late, and he’s an adult now. I’m pretty sure he’ll forever be the guy sitting in the car five minutes before it’s time to load up, even when he’s 80. He’s the one who keeps road trips on schedule, and I’m certain that this is not a genetic trait.)
 
Middle Kid’s prolific use of expletives didn’t come as quite as much of a surprise, although I’d like to have been alerted to it by someone other than their school principal. Apparently, “douchebag” is not on the third grade spelling tests at any point during the year. I’m not sure how they manage it at work, although I do note a distinct lack of cussing when they talk with me. Perhaps they're (gasp) mature?!

I contemplated making a list of all the words they weren’t allowed to use pretty much anywhere, then realized that’s exactly what they would do: use them EVERYWHERE. As luck would have it, I turned out to be the mega-cusser of the family, so my fears were assuaged by the blank stares the kids often gave me when I slipped up and cussed publicly. Amazingly enough, no teen wants their mom to be “THAT MOM”, mine included.

However, some of the gems are too good to pass up, and you might stumble upon an instance when you're searching for that oh-so-right word or phrase to throw at the asshole who takes your parking space the night before Turkey Day, when all you need is a damn pint of coffee creamer and a pack of rubbers.

So here it is, the short list of shit you never want your kids to say in front of anyone you know or love:

Fuck Knuckle (it's quite flexible, able to be used in all verb tenses, and as a noun and an adjective as well. Derivative forms include "fuckle" and "knuckle fucker".)

Shitdouche

Asswipe

Curdytwat

Nut sludge

Dickfang

Note that most of this list is nothing more than body parts reworked to be as offensive as possible. The beauty of this is that any new expletive can be created off the backs of existing ones, and we frustrated parents are creative in getting our collective way, including sharking your beloved wick spot right in front of the monster capitalist profit-sucking corporate box store you're visiting in order to escape your mother-in-law's toe-fuck of a story about how liberals are forcing us all to rot in Hell.

I'll remind you of this: no good ever comes from teaching your kids that cursing is inappropriate only at certain time, Just cut to the chase and tell them that when they're grown, they too can tell total strangers to shut the fuck up and go blow themselves, it's a grownup gift they can freely use once they get there.